


Ports in a Storm

by phoestiel



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: And then nobody's mad, Angst with a Happy Ending, Barisi - Freeform, Established Relationship, Friendship, Gen, M/M, Rolisi friendship, SVU s17 spoilers light, idk everyone is mad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-17
Updated: 2016-04-17
Packaged: 2018-06-02 17:08:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6574711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phoestiel/pseuds/phoestiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Amanda and Rafael have two conversations about Sonny and they get mad, but Sonny isn't going to let them stay that way. concurrent with S17 episode "Sheltered Outcasts", with mentions of events in Manhatten Transfer, Unholiest Alliance, and Forgiving Rollins (S16).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Concern

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amanda is concerned, so she goes to the one person she thinks can help.

“Barba? It’s Rollins.” She said, keeping her voice crisp and professional. She was certainly crossing some lines calling him; there seemed to be an unspoken decree that he was no longer the squad’s go-to ADA. Liv was back, her reputation and career intact, but her friendship with the lawyer seemed to have been sacrificed. Amanda didn’t know for sure what had happened between them; Mike wasn’t talking and if Fin knew, he wasn’t talking, either. It was an irrefutable fact, however, that Liv had had a private conversation with Barba regarding the church trafficking case, and then Barba had had a private conversation with IAB, and then Liv had been gone. It didn’t take a genius to piece it together. And they were going through his office to get warrants, but rarely directly to him. So calling him was probably a bad idea, but this was important.

It was about Sonny.

“Detective. Do we have a suddenly-breaking case, or are you interrupting my supper for another reason?” He said after a pause dripping with sarcasm. She bit her lip to keep from giving an equally sarcastic retort; you could catch more flies with honey than vinegar, after all.

“There’s no case, counsellor. At least not one we need your expertise in, yet,” she replied, exaggerating her accent until it was cloyingly sweet. Rafael chuckled.

“Then what can I do for you, Rollins?”

“You hear from Sonny lately?” The question was innocent enough, but there was a loaded silence before he answered. She’d made her own guesses about that, too. She’d gotten much closer to Sonny over the last few months or so, and because she was a profiler at heart, she couldn’t help watching him and cataloguing details. She’d noticed how his smile seemed to beam brighter around Barba, how he was eager to impress. He watched Barba in court as though he was mesmerized (though, to be fair, anyone could get swept up in the lawyer’s magnetic performances), and watched him with a small furrow of concern when Barba was clearly overworking himself. She would’ve thought nothing of it, except she’d seen the way he’d started to smile at Sonny, started to let some opportunities to put him in his place go by. And she’d seen both of them during the Hoda case.

“He’s not working in my office this week. As you know.” Barba said, tone neutral.

“Yeah, I know. I was just wonderin’ if you’d talked to ‘im in the last couple of days.”

“Isn’t he undercover?” His voice was utterly professional, meant to end the conversation. But Amanda was nothing if not persistent. 

“Yeah. And ‘m worried about him.” 

“Then talk to Benson.” Benson, not Olivia. Not Liv. That told her a lot.

“I did. She brushed me off,” she admitted. She was a little mad that Liv hadn’t taken her seriously, but she hadn’t exactly been in the lieutenant's good graces lately. 

“I don’t understand what you expect me to do, detective.” She expected him to hang up on her, but he didn’t. God, he was stubborn. She liked him a lot most times, even if she often disagreed with how he viewed cases. She couldn’t help respecting him for his audacity and his sheer cocky recklessness when he thought he was right. But she also wanted to punch him right in the face sometimes, too. A lot of the times, actually.

“I don’t think he’s okay. He-” 

“Is he hurt?” His voice was urgent, demanding, and it almost makes her smile. So he did care. “Rollins. Is he-”

“No, no, he’s in one piece. I’d’ve told you right away, if-” She stopped because they were getting close to an admission here. She wasn’t trying to pry; she was just worried about her best friend. He sucked in a breathe, and she imagined that his eyes were closed in relief. It didn’t occur to her to mention the fact that Sonny had been assaulted by the victim’s father; she just wanted to move this conversation forward, she didn’t want to hear any awkward confessions. Sonny was lost on this case, adrift, and he wouldn’t let her in. “It’s just gettin’ to him. i’ve never seen anythin’ affect him like this, and he’s…” She stopped again, this time because she just couldn’t find the words.

“What should I do?” His voice softened until it was almost tender. He hadn’t admitted anything incriminating to her, not in so many words, but wasn’t that tone enough?

“It might do ‘im good to see you. We’re supposed to meet for coffee tomorrow, but I don’t think he’d mind if it was you he saw instead.” Another pause, this one longer, more fraught. She’s about to plead with him, beg him if she has to -- a thing she’d die before doing for herself, but when it comes to Sonny she’d do anything, and how weird is that? How fucking strange and impossible that Sonny Carisi has become so important to her? -- but he speaks before she can, and her relief is palpable.

“Give me the address and time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Amanda and Barba sassing each other, which is partly why i started writing this. it sort of got out of control, as you'll see.


	2. Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael's mad and he takes it out on Amanda.

Barely-contained anger roiled through Rafael, making him feel sick. He’d just gotten back from his meeting with Sonny and his heart was aching. Rollins had been right about him: he wasn’t okay. He didn’t even look like himself, with his hair shaggy and wearing worn out jeans and a ragged sweatshirt. He couldn’t maintain eye contact; instead, he looked everywhere without settling his gaze. He fidgeted in the booth, looking at his hands, looking at Rafael’s tie, glancing at the clock.

And oh God, his voice. His _voice_. This was not his boisterous, sunshiney Carisi. His voice was hesitant, almost cracking with uncertainty. He spoke in monosyllables and didn’t once joke or flirt with him. What in God’s name was Liv thinking, letting him go on like this? When he said as much, said he was going to get this operation shut down, Sonny had put a hand on his sleeve and asked him not to. His work had to mean something; they had to get the guy.

How could Rafel say no? He didn’t argue, but he knew he and Amanda were going to have words. A lot of them, most of them loud, and he’d be the one saying all of them. When he got back to the office, he shut and locked the door after telling his secretary to hold all his calls. He seated himself at his desk, picking up the handset and dialing Amanda. Her cellphone, not her desk.

“Counsellor,” Amanda chirped into the phone, and Rafael closed his eyes, his grip on his handset tightening.

“Are you at the precinct?” He asked, the words clipped.

“I sure am,” she said in the down-home-sweetness voice that was grating on his every nerve right now.

“Get somewhere with privacy. I have a few things to _say_ to you.” He was barely holding on to his professional tone, and she went silent. “ _Rollins_.”

“Yeah, hold your horses,” she said, her voice lower and more defensive. He waited, sucking in a breath. The sound of the bullpen faded around her. “M’ in the breakroom. What is it.”

“You lied to me,” he said through gritted teeth. Another silence. “You said he was in one piece. I asked you if he was okay, and you said-”

“He was, he wasn’t hurt,” she interrupted. “He didn’t get shot, or even-”

“And yet you conveniently left out the fact that a victim’s father accosted him? And that it would have been worse except for the intervention of one of the suspects? and-”

“Oh. _That_.” She said, the fire going right out of her.

“Yes. That.”

“Well, he-” her tone softened considerably, but Rafael was having none of it.

“He has bruises all over his back from where they-”

“ _Does_ he?” Her tone is whip-sharp again, and he can picture her eyes glinting at him like ice chips. “I didn’t know that.” The question of how Barba knew that hung palpably between them. It wasn’t what she was thinking, though; he’d only put a hand on Carisi’s back to comfort him, and Carisi had flinched away, unable to meet his eyes. Rafael had had to coax it out of him because he didn’t want Rafael to worry too much. _Too late for that_.

“You didn’t tell me, Amanda. I asked you point blank and you _lied_ to me.” his voice was rising, but he was too angry to control himself. “Oh, Liv is right about you, isn’t she? You can’t be trusted.” He heard a sharp intake of breath at his words.

“Yeah? ‘Least I’m here. you’re oh-so-concerned now, but where’ve you been for two weeks?” Her tone was venomous as she fired the question. She wasn’t shouting; she couldn’t. He guessed, though, that if she wasn’t being discreet for Sonny’s sake, he’d get the full Rollins wrath.

“Where I always am. He knows how to get in touch.” But the fact that he didn’t aches through him. He could have called, any time, undercover or not. But he hadn’t, and it hurts.

“You couldn’t reach out? Or is it just _not like that_ between you two?” And now he’s insulted at her veiled accusation. 

“I can’t interfere with an active investigation, detective.” His voice drops into neutral professionalism, though. He couldn’t argue with her, because the moment he says it outloud he’ll have to disclose, and he can’t do that while Sonny is undercover. She gave an angry laugh.

“Yeah, I thought so.” The words are bitter, angry, and they cut him to the quick.

“Why do you care, Rollins? i’m not surprised you’d go behind Liv’s back, but I wonder why you’d do it for Sonny Carisi, of all people.” She’s speechless with anger at his tone, at the words. He sensed his advantage and pressed hard. “Detective. When I ask a question, I expect to be answered.”

“Fuck you. You’re not cross examining me, and I’m not under oath. I plead the fifth here.” He expected her to hang up, but she didn’t. She waited him out; his strength lay in barraging witnesses with questions, hers was waiting for the confession.

“What is he to you, that you care so deeply? The last time you paid this much attention to one of your coworkers it was Nick Amaro. Or, _excuse me_ , Declan Murphy.” The words are out of his mouth before he can stop them, and he knows they’re ugly and unfair. They _taste_ ugly, bitter and mean spirited on his tongue.

“You’re a son of a bitch, y’know that?” Her voice cracks in the upper registers, and he wished he could take it back.

“Amanda-”

“No. We’re done.” But again, she didn’t hang up. She sighed, and it sounds like she’s on the verge of tears. “you’re not the only who sees him, y’know. He’s my-”

With his own words about her relationships with Nick and Declan still ringing in his ears, fear flashed through him. It was completely irrational, but this conversation wasn’t exactly the most reasonable or impartial. Under normal circumstances he trusted Sonny implicitly; Carisi doesn’t have it in him to lie, either outright or by omission. Rafael would have known if there’d been anything between these two. But it feels like any disaster is possible today and his heart is right on the brink, and rationality flies out the window.

“He’s your _what_?” He demands, gripping the phone tighter.

“Friend, Rafael. _Friend_. do you know what that is? Or is that just something you call someone before you throw ’em under the bus?” Now all the air rushed out of his lungs and he had to grip the edge of his desk. a sense of vertigo descended on him.

“ _What_.” He said, shutting his eyes again. “Is that. Supposed to _mean_. Rollins.”

“Nothing. Never mind.”

“If you think that I told IAB-” His hand shook with rage and he stopped talking.

Well, what’re we _s’posed_ t’think? Liv went into a meetin with you, and when she came out of it she lost her job.”

“Do you think I’d do that to her?” He asked, his voice a low hiss. He knew exactly how it looked, of course, and the fact that he’d told Liv, point blank, that he’d told IAB about her relationship with Tucker didn’t help. But that wasn’t all there was to it. “I did my best. The whole deck was stacked against me, I went in there and they already knew. I fought for her, Rollins, I went to bat for her even after she stood in my office and _lied_ to my face.” another silence between them, this one longer. 

“Do you think I’d have to be fucking him to care? Or that because you are, you somehow care more?” Her voice is devoid of emotion, like it’s a recording. “I believe you about Liv, but is that what you really think of me? After all this time, all the work we’ve done together? After I told you about Atlanta, and- is that what you think of me, that I’m just some slut who can’t keep her legs closed?” She’d trusted him with her one big secret, the one thing she’d thought she couldn’t put down. He remembers that day, how vulnerable she looked, how her voice had cracked. He’d been gentle then, empathetic, and she’d been grateful for it. He’d never really spoken of it again-she hadn’t had to testify after all, so it hadn’t become public knowledge- but he’d subtly changed towards her. Spoke to her with all little more tolerance, treated her with a touch more kindness.

And now he’s undone all of that sincere compassion with a few angry words. When is he ever going to learn to _stop talking_ when he’s angry?

No.” His voice went soft; he was so ashamed of himself. He knew, of course, how important she was to Sonny. Carisi could hardly shut up about her and Jessie, bragging about Amanda’s daughter like she’s his own. The two of them make Sonny so happy, and he’d thought he was okay with that. Now that he’s said ugly things to her, though, he has to admit he’s jealous, afraid that Amanda and Jessie will eventually be an allure Sonny can’t resist. “I’m sorry. I had no right- your private life is yours and i make no judgement.”

“Sure as hell sounded like judgement.” but her tone has softened too.

“No, I’m just- have you seen him?” now it’s his voice that’s close to cracking, and he covers his eyes with his free hand.

“Practically everyday.” another beat, but he wasn’t angry anymore. They’ve somehow come to an understanding without having to say it: they both love Sonny, they both want the same things for him. He sighed heavily, asking a question that revealed his weakness, but he doesn’t care: he just wants to know.

Are you going to tell him about this?” She laughed, a brittle sound.

“I wanna. He’d be so fucking pissed at you, it’d be real satisfying to watch,” she says, and is she teasing him? Just a hint of it in her voice, and he drops his head into his hand. “But I think… he’s got enough on his plate. no harm no foul, right?” Except there’s a hurt behind the teasing tone that won’t go away soon.

“Thank you.” The silence was easier between them, and he shifted the handset to a more comfortable position. “Let me take you out to lunch. Not today, but…soon.”

“Why?” She asked, but she’s just curious, not defensive.

“I’d like us to be friends, I guess.” She laughed, incredulous. She almost said no, he could hear it in the way she took a breath.

“Ask me another time, okay?” It’s not a no, and he knows it’s the best he’s going to get.

“I will do that, detective.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that it's canon that Rafael voluntarily told IAB about Liv and Tucker. I don't like it, so I gave him other motives.


	3. Homecoming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny returns and has his own conversations with Rafael and Amanda

Sonny came back, but he wasn’t quite the same. It takes him a few days to stop avoiding people’s eyes, to settle back into being a cop and not a convicted felon. He looks like himself again, at least on the surface: the suits are back, not a hair out of place, and his dimples make an appearance.

Still. There’s an expression in his eyes now that wasn’t there before. It hurts her, but the last thing he wants to do is talk about it. She can’t help touching him, though, in small harmless ways she knows will comfort him. A hand on his arm while he’s on the phone and she’s stealing his food; fingers brushing his wrist when he hands her something. Once she even runs her fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck while she stands at his desk and talks to him, before she notices Fin watching her. She dropped her hand from Sonny and went back to her own desk, sighing inwardly at the lecture she knew was coming.

At the very next opportunity, when Sonny got up to go find some snacks, Fin spoke. 

“Rollins,” he said, voice quiet, almost gentle.

“Yeah?” She looked up and smiled, but his eyes were serious.

“‘Member one time we had a conversation about not bringing home the people you work with?” He chose his words carefully, not asking directly if she’s seeing Sonny. She couldn’t help the big grin that pulls across her face, something she's learned from Sonny.

“Yeah, ‘course,” she answered, her tone all innocence. “Why?”

“Do we need to have that conversation again?” She chuckled and shook her head.

“We really don’t,” She said, but his eyes narrowed at her, skeptical. She leaned back in her chair with a sigh. “I mean it, it ain’t like that.” she knew he doesn’t quite believe her, but she chooses to focus on the fact that his concern is because he loves her, not that he’s passing judgement on her choices.

“Good. because that one,” he cut his eyes to Sonny’s empty desk, “he’s the kind that falls in love for good. You break his heart, it’ll stay broken.” She laughed, trying not to feel hurt.

“How d’you know he wouldn’t break my heart with them baby blues and dimples?” She asked. Fin sighed at her, turning to the paperwork on his desk.

“I tried,” he muttered.

“Y’don’t have to worry, I’m not his type,” she told him. “Too blonde and, uh, a little too young.” Fin glanced up, surprised.

“You mean-”

“He might be seein someone else, is what i’m sayin, and we’re just friends.” He giae her a searching look before nodding again.

“Good t’hear. And hey, Amanda?” He said. She raised an eyebrow at him, not wanting to hear anymore. “Whoever he’s seeing, make sure they don’t break his heart.”

“I’ll personally see to it, don’t you worry.”

 

Amanda is dodging him. She said he could call her and he does, but she’s always in the middle of something or she lets it go to voicemail. He supposed he deserves that, but it hurts him just the same.

“She’s mad at you, huh?” Sonny asked. He’s lounging on the couch Rafael’s office, tie undone and sleeves rolled up, jacket thrown over a chair. Barba is finishing up some briefs and Sonny didn’t want to be alone.

“Rollins?” He said, shuffling papers on his desk. “Yeah. Our last conversation got a little heated.” Sonny nodded.

“Did you go full Barba on her, or what?” Sonny teased, but it’s too close to the truth for Rafael to laugh at. Sonny caught the guilty flash of his eyes, and his smile faded. “Rafi, no. What’d you do?”

Rafael sighed. He wasn’t going to get anymore work done tonight, was he? “I was jealous.”

Sonny froze, his eyes wide and vulnerable. He looks like that sometimes now, when Rafael says things he doesn’t think he deserves. Things like _sweetheart_ and _I missed you_ and _I’m glad you’re okay_. Going undercover in that shelter really did a number on him.

“Of _Amanda_?” He asked, incredulous, and his gaze flickered away. Rafael rubs at his forehead.

“It was the day I saw you, and I was- she…” he trailed off, peeking up at the other. “You always talk about them like they’re your family.” Sonny frowned.

“She’s like a sister to me.” Rafael nodded; he knows that. But at the time, it had all seemed so different. He hadn’t been sure of anything, just that he loved Sonny and Sonny wasn’t okay, and he’d somehow made it Amanda’s fault because there was no one else to blame.

“She said the same thing,” he admitted. “But I wasn’t- you were hurt, and she’d lied to me, and I was just...” it’s not often that he can’t find the words, and he shrugged sheepishly. “It wasn’t my finest hour.”

“Did you apologize?” Sonny asked, but his voice didn’t change that much. Reminiscent of Smitty's voice. He watched Rafael, and Rafael willed himself not to squirm under that earnest scrutiny.

“I tried. I’m trying. It’s hard to say 'I’m sorry' when she won’t take my calls.”

“So apologize to her voicemail. Girls love that kinda thing.” Sonny said, as though that was a legitimate option. 

“I’m not going to-”

“Why not? Too proud?” He was half teasing, and he got off the couch and came around the desk. “Rafi. you can’t fight with her, okay? I can’t have you two…” He trailed off and leaned on the desk, next to Rafael’s chair. He reached out and ran his hand through the lawyer’s hair. Rafi closed his eyes. “Please.”

He caught the younger man’s wrist and turned his cheek towards it. Sonny hadn’t wanted to be intimate since he came back, but he still liked these little touches. The detective smiled slightly, fingertips curling into his lover’s hair and thumb tracing his cheek bone.

“I’ll apologize,” Rafael conceded. Sonny grinned, dazzling and goofy.

“ _Thank you_ , counselor, I know how hard it is for ya to admit defeat,” he said, and suddenly he’s Carisi again for a moment, all brash tactlessness. Rafael grinned.

“No one said defeat.” He said, tone whip sharp. But there’s no malice behind it, only teasing good humor. His hand fell to Sonny’s hip, resting there, and he leans his head against the other. Sonny’s hand went back to stroking through Rafi’s hair, and a contented silence spun out between them.

“Rafael?”

“Yeah?”

“Take me home.”

 

They’d had an open and shut case, rare enough in their line of work. The squad was out celebrating; the doer had confessed after twenty minutes in the interrogation room. All anyone did to them in there was bring him water and smile at him, too. Dodds said Amanda had a knack for that kind of thing and Liv actually agreed.

Fin and Dodds were playing darts and shooting the shit, and Liv had just left. Amanda and Sonny sat on the same side of the booth, sipping beers. He nudged her with his shoulder, dipping down because she was smaller than him, and she tried to kick him under the table.

“What’s with you?” He was like an exuberant puppy tonight. She could guess why, but she wanted him to talk to her. just to reassure herself that he was getting back to normal.

“Y’check your voicemail today?” He asked, grinning. She huffed, lifting her beer bottle to her mouth and taking a long drink. “‘Manda. Didja?”

“Yeah, I did.” She said. She glanced around to make sure they were alone. “I got something from Barba that I guess he thinks is grovelling.” A beat. “It’s not, but he tried, didn’t he.” But she grins at him, blue eyes sparkling. He was more like his old self and she wasn’t about to do anything to make it stop.

“Was it really that bad? What he said, I mean.” She turned to look at him more fully, considering how much she could say.

“What’d he tell you?”

“Said he went _full Barba_ on you.” He relished the phrase and she guessed Rafael had said nothing of the sort.

“Yeah, that’s pretty fuckin accurate,” she snorted. Sonny leaned into her again, draping an arm around her shoulders. Spontaneous physical affection: he was feeling more himself.

“He said he was jealous.” Sonny took a swig from his beer, and Amanda nearly choked on hers. Yeah, she’d gotten that much, but the way Sonny said it, so matter of fact, threw her.

“He got ugly because of it,” she conceded. Sonny waited for her to go on, but she just looked back at him and shrugged. “Don’t think I’m gonna _tell_ you, do ya? I’m not the one’s gonna start a fight again.” Sonny nodded, leaning his cheek on the top of her head. She saw Fin glance at them, giving her a hard, searching look, but she just rolled her eyes. If Fin was as good friends with Sonny as she was, Sonny would probably hug on him too. He couldn’t help himself.

“Rafi said the same thing,” Sonny said. She chuckled.

“We’re on the same page then,” she said.

“Oh, that’s good t’hear. ‘Cause you’ve been dodging him, and all he wants to do is apologize.” Her eyes narrowed at his suddenly scolding tone. “Y’can’t fight with him. I’m not havin it.” She fingered the label of her beer, not looking at him.

“So, if you had to choose between us, you’d choose him?” The question came out of nowhere, and now who was jealous? She couldn’t look at him, and her smile faded. It scared her, the thought of losing him. No one in her life has ever stayed. He’d made himself so essential she didn’t know what she’d do without him, and her heart squeezed at the thought.

“No,” he said, voice serious. “But please don’t give me that choice. Okay? Either of you.” now she leaned into him, burying her face on his shoulder for a moment, and Odafin Tutuola can get _bent_ with the look he’s giving them. Sonny's arm comes around her, pressing her gently to him. When she lifts her head, she tries to smile.

“Don’t pay me no mind, Sonny, I just get this way sometimes.” She said. His big hand settled on her shoulder and he smiled down at her.

“I know it. I ain’t worried. You and Rafi, you’re good people. You won’t fight no more, I know it.” She had to laugh at him, his determined optimism was too much. “C’mon, ’Manda, say you’ll forgive him.”

“Yeah yeah yeah,” she agreed, pulling away a bit. He let her go but he was grinning like an idiot and oh _god_ , she’d missed his smile.

“Good. Because I got a favor t’ask.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't leave Fin out of this, so I wrote the first conversation here.


	4. Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An afternoon at Amanda's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Absolutely unabashed fluff. Sonny Carisi deserves nice things, and this is what i'm giving him.

Amanda had just put Jessie down and was half-heartedly trying to get the apartment into some semblance of “clean”. It wasn’t terrible- considering her long hours and the fact that she had an infant- but she was expecting company. She couldn’t help feeling like she should tidy up, even though every time she put Jessie down, her daughter just crawled after her. Or worse, got into something she’s just put away or hadn’t even gotten to yet and made it worse.

She gave up. If anyone wanted to judge her, they were more than welcome. 

Just then the buzzer rang, startling the baby. Amanda picked her up in a smooth, practiced motion, hardly stopping on her way to the door. It was almost as though she was getting the hang of this motherhood thing. She wasn’t exactly a natural, but she was proud of being a quick learner.

“Hello?”

“’Manda, hey,” Sonny’s voice crackled through the intercom. The sound of it, the familiar way he said her name, made her smile.

“Ya’ll come right up,” she said, pressing the button. But she had enough time to shift Jessie against her and untangle a fistful of hair from her daughter’s small hand and wonder if she was going to regret agreeing to this. Sonny was hard to refuse; it wasn’t that he couldn’t take no for an answer, either. It was the fact that once you got to know him, once he became important to you, you didn’t want to say no. She still liked tweaking him, teasing him and giving him an endless amount of shit, of course. He could take it and he gave it back just as much, and it was fun. He wasn’t a challenge to love; she didn’t have to decipher him. For the first time in her life, she had someone who wasn’t setting landmines for her to stumble on. He wore his heart on his sleeve, and it shone in his big goofy smile, and once you realized how important it was to keep him smiling like that, you couldn’t say no.

She bit her lip, though. This might be a fucking _terrible_ idea. 

She heard the elevator stop on the floor, and a moment later there was Sonny’s brisk knock, somehow brash just like his voice. She took a breath, shrugged, and then opened the door. There was no escaping now.

“ _There’s_ my girl,” Sonny said, eyes going immediately to Jessie. Jessie turned at the sound of his voice, a smile and a giggle lighting her up. Amanda had to chuckle.

“And what’m I, chopped liver?” She asked. He chuckled and leaned in to kiss her cheek. She let him, because she’d learned there was no stopping his effusive expressions of affection.

“Give ‘er to me,” he said, stepping into the apartment and unceremoniously taking Jessie. Amanda laughed, and then looked behind Sonny, her heart suddenly racing. She didn’t want this to be awkward, but it already was. Desperately so.

“Counsellor,” she said, her hand tightening on the door knob. Barba had the good grace to look slightly abashed.

“Please,” he said, stepping uncertainly into her apartment, “you can call me Rafael.” They both remembered the last time she had, and they both tried very hard not to look at each other. Sonny was pretending he wasn’t watching them, cooing to the baby. Amanda shut the door behind Barba- Rafael- and turned to him, feeling like she should hug him or shake his hand but not quite daring to.

Sonny walked into the living room, bouncing Jessie against his chest, looking totally at home. He kind of was; he was here often enough to know where she kept all her dishes and notice when she was low on diapers. Rafael was watching him too, smiling slightly.

“Welcome to my home,” she said to him. He gave a slight nod, eyes flashing at her.

“Thank you,” he said. “It’s lovely.” That was a lie and they both knew it, but she allowed it. She offered the tiniest, most tentative smile, and followed Sonny, gesturing to Rafel to come, too.

“I don’t see any groceries,” she said to him. “How’re you gonna make us all lunch if you didn’t bring any food? You know I don’t keep any.”

“Yeah, I do know it, and I’ve been meaning to say,” he began, throwing her a disapproving Carisi look, “you gotta start. M’not always gonna be around to come’n make you somethin to eat when you’re hungry. You _gotta_ learn t’cook.” Rafael moved to her couch, sitting down and trying to look like he was comfortable. She wondered if he’d thought this was a bad idea, but also couldn’t say no to Sonny. The thought made her laugh under her breath. Sonny Carisi, tamer of wild women and lover of difficult men. He should put that on his cards.

“That’s why God invented take-out, though.” She retorted. Rafael huffed, amused. She caught his eye, the corner of her mouth going up slightly. His eyes flashed at her again, and then shifted back to Sonny.

“That’s fine if it’s just you, you do what you want,” Sonny began, indignation edging his words, “But what about Jessie, huh? She can’t grow up on that crap.” Amanda’s eyes narrowed; she hated it when Sonny started telling her what to do with her own daughter. She was about to say something sharp when Rafael’s voice sounded, softer than his usual courtroom tone.

“ _Please_ , Detective Rollins, won’t you think of the children?” There was a teasing warmth to the words that surprised her, and she looked at him for a long moment. His smile was almost shy when he caught her eye, though, so she smiled big and bright at him. Sonny looked between them, utterly betrayed. He cradled Jessie to him as though she were the last good thing in his whole world.

“Oh sure, gang up on me, that’s fine,” he said, all petulence. Amanda would have relented if she hadn’t seen the way Sonny’s eyes changed when he looked at Rafael, all adoration and gratitude and heat. It made something in her ache and she looked away, feeling like an intruder.

“What about lunch?” She asked.

“That’s my fault, Aman- detective,” Rafael said.

“Amanda’s fine,” she murmured, and she could feel Sonny’s eyes on her. He was giving her one of those adoring puppy looks, but there was no heat in it. No room for jealousy, she wanted to say to Rafael. His heart is big enough for both of us.

“Amanda,” Rafael repeated, his eyes warm. She was starting to remember all the reasons she’d liked him in the first place, and this was a whole other side of him. “He wanted to stop, but I wouldn’t let him. I owe you lunch, I believe, so I thought we’d order in. My treat.” The clever son of a bitch. How could she say no? It was a lot easier to dodge his calls than to refuse him when he was sitting in her living room, watching her like he knew exactly what she was thinking. His slow smile confirmed it, but damn her, she couldn’t help smiling back.

“Sonny don’t get to pick,” she said finally. “He’s the worst.”

“Hot sauce?” Rafael asked, raising an eyebrow. “I _know_.” For a moment they were united in their disapproval of Sonny’s food choices. Sonny heaved a sigh, much put upon, and put Jessie down. She insisted on grabbing his leg and trying to pull herself back up, but he ignored her for a moment.

“I’m not that bad,”he said.

“Yes you are,” they said at the same time. He groaned, exasperated.

“This was _such_ a bad idea.”

Rafael and Amanda looked at each other again, and the mood lightened as they both laughed. THe lawyer took out his phone and dialed his favorite takeout place. Sonny picked up Jessie again, cooing to her to make her laugh. Amanda marvelled at how his big hands never looked dangerous on her daughter. Jessie always looked safe with him, and he always looked so happy to be around her.

“They said about forty minutes,” Rafael said, dropping his phone into his pocket. His eyes went to Sonny holding the baby, and his face softened. He looked lovesick, and she almost laughed.

“You want some tea? Coffee?” She asked, remembering she hadn’t offered any yet.

“Coffee,” both men said, and she grinned at them as she went to make it.

Amanda and Rafael appeared to forget their late differences of opinion. Or, if they weren’t quite forgetting, they were content to leave it alone for now. Amanda came back with coffee and Jessie finally grew tired of sitting with Sonny, more interested in what her mom was doing. She was shy of Barba, and he tried to act like he wasn’t courting her attention when he absolutely was. It was kind of endearing.

“Shoo, darlin, let momma relax,” she said. Barba picked up a toy from the coffee table and shook it at Jessie. Sonny was recounting an anecdote from his pre-Manhatten days and they both pretended they weren’t watching.

“-an’ so the Sarge says, he goes, 'give it to the rookie, see what he can handle' and I’m thinking 'how bad can it be-'”

Jessie peeked up at Rafael, wanting her toy but not quite sure of him. Rafael shook it again and she put her hand up for it.

“-so f'course, it’s fu- it’s terrible. I turn to the Sarge and say 'I’m new here, what’m I s’posed t’do with that,' you know, cause what the hell did I know, and he says-”

Rafael offered the toy to her, but she shied away. He murmured to her, something in low rapid Spanish that Amanda didn’t quite catch. Jessie reached out again, and he gingerly held the toy closer.

“'-is what ya do, Carisi, goddamn, don’t ya know anything?' an’ the whole unit’s laughing and I’m standing there like an idiot-”

She took the toy and the look of gratification on the lawyer’s face was almost comical. Jessie, the tiny tyrant, threw the toy in his direction and then looked at him imploringly. He sighed and retrieved it for her. 

“- an that’s why I transferred. I don’t need that kinda hassle, you know? I’m a good cop. I don’t mind bein given a hard time because I’m new, but that was just uncalled for.”

“What a bunch of assholes,” Amanda agreed. Sonny was too busy making gaga eyes at Rafael to reprimand her- _not in front of the baby, Amanda, come on_ \- and she let herself smile. Jessie threw the toy again, waiting for Rafael to pick it up. He asked her something in Spanish- _are we going to do this all day?_ \- and Amanda leaned forward.

“She’ll do it long’s you’re willin to pick it up. it’s her new thing.” Rafael glanced up at her, face coloring slightly at being caught. But her smile was soft. He grinned back, picking up the toy and handing it to the baby again.

“I really don’t mind,” he said. They both felt Sonny beaming at them from the armchair. Their eyes met under that warm smile, and Amanda thought _it's nice having family around_.

 

End

**Author's Note:**

> Versions of the phone conversations, and the afternoon at Amanda's, appear on my tumblr rp blog. I reworked them and added a few things to make it more cohesive as a fic. I think if you squint and tilt your head just right, you can see the beginnings of an OT3 here, but then again maybe not.


End file.
